A Moment in Time

It’s already 3 months ago that our beloved boy passed away. On the one end it seems so long, but then, as I suddenly choke up because of a memory, I realize it’s only 3 months.

Life begins to return to “normal”, which means that we're beginning to get used to a different kind of Shabbat, that we can go out visit friends in their homes, instead of having them always come to us. We hardly ever did, because I would have to run after Na’il all the time, keeping him out of mischief. He loved to explore other people’s houses.

Mourning takes time, that’s what I’m experiencing. I’m easily overwhelmed by seemingly small things, and have been sick on and off with bugs that never used to bother me.

I thought that writing about the 12 years that Na’il lived with us would be a matter of a few weeks. How wrong I was....
In order to remember the highlights, I had to read through old newsletters. It was both tiresome and exhilarating ~ I saw God’s hand and help during the often difficult and challenging years. Still, it triggered memories that sometimes were difficult to deal with.

There were days I just couldn’t handle the overwhelming emotions and had to leave the manuscript for what it was. There was no deadline, it was me who wanted to finish the project. Writing this book didn’t give me joy, it was for therapeutic purposes I embarked on the project, and the need to keep the precious memories alive. I desperately wanted it to be over and done with, in order to go back to the joy of writing fiction.

The raw version of the book about Na’il’s life is posted chapter by chapter on the website, and I’m now proofreading and editing the printout.
When I’m satisfied with the end product, we’re going to print it ourselves and those interested can order it via mail. At the moment I don’t know how many pages the book will be. In order to keep the cost as low as possible, we print the book in black and white, but include two pages with coloured photos.

Slowly, hesitantly, I’m picking up the threads of life. I find it to be two steps forward, one step back, but know it’s all part of the grieving process which is an ongoing thing.

We still didn’t see Na’il’s grave, and I still have to pay a visit to the hospital and dental department to present them with a collage of pictures. The time will come that I’ll have the strength to do what I feel is an important part of closure.

In the meantime, I try and tell myself to ‘REST’ in God, not to worry about the future (nor our finances), not to bury myself in all kinds of projects.

Just be easy on myself.

And that will be the biggest struggle of all!